Clicking with a Therapist

I don’t have too much experience with therapy.

I saw a therapist last year to help deal with the phobia I’ve had ever since I can remember (emetophobia, look it up, it’s pretty random). It helped and she was nice, but that’s about it. I saw her for a few moths and she definitely helped me deal with my anxiety, but beyond that, it wasn’t like an oh-my-god-she’s-a-miracle-worker-and-I’m-cured-yay thing going on. She was nice. I felt better.

So now that I’ve decided to try to tackle this depression thing that has taken a hold of me in the past little while, I’ve decided to see someone again. I think that this could really help because, as I mentioned in my previous post, I’ve been doing some self-psychology with the help of Skin Deep and meditation (which I’ll delve into in a separate post), but I feel like if I have an outside person who knows the right questions to ask, I could move ahead much quicker. It would also be nice to have an outsider/professional/3rd party to talk to/cry to.

So my aunt and uncle have a good friend who’s a psychologist and they highly recommended her. I got really excited and booked a consultation appointment with her.

When I met her, I immediately got a nagging vibe that she wasn’t someone I would click with. Don’t get me wrong, she was super nice and I could tell she’s great at what she does, but my gut was screaming No! Wrong person for the job. I just felt like our personalities didn’t mesh. I need someone warm, super friendly and social to make me feel comfortable spilling my guts. She just wasn’t up to my expectations (which are often too high, and this is, coincidentally, one of my problems). I booked an appointment with her for the following week before I left her office because… well, I don’t know exactly why. I think I felt bad. I think I thought I was just being picky and stupid because I realized that she’s clearly a really nice person and knows what she’s doing.

The moment our discussion was over, I felt like I wanted to cry. Something just wasn’t right. I didn’t feel 100% comfortable or happy, and I was really disappointed. I felt let down. When I stepped outside and started walking toward to subway, I actually did start to tear up. I had a huge lump in my throat and I just felt that looming black hole pulling me in.

I called my dad right away and I had trouble getting out my words. I just felt so emotional and I didn’t know why. He told me that sometimes you click, sometimes you don’t, it happens and I should follow my gut. I told him I booked an appointment for the following week and he told me he would call and cancel it for me, and assured me that she definitely wouldn’t be offended. I think I just felt extra shitty that I had these high expectations—that she would be the “perfect therapist.” Before I met her, I could just envision my life changing. This was it. She was going to help fix me. Then, boom, that scenario fades away into nothing and I’m back where I started.

Luckily, I have the most supportive parents who, though not rolling in money, refused to let me go without seeing someone to talk to because my health and happiness is the most important thing. And then I feel bad because I’m 22 and I should be able to pay for my own therapy. And then I feel bad twice over because I have the most amazing parents and I have no reason to feel depressed in general, let alone upset that my stupid appointment with the therapist didn’t produce sunshine and rainbows. I ended up calling my mom once I got home and sat outside on the front steps (in a snow storm, mind you) for an hour crying to her in one of my I-started-crying-and-I-don’t-know-why-and-now-I-can’t-stop fits. I was, once again, so embarrassed. She wanted to help me so badly, but I knew I just had to let it out. She wouldn’t let me off the phone until I sounded a bit better and felt ready to go inside.

Since that outburst, I’ve actually felt a lot better. Maybe I really did let a lot out. Maybe it’s because spring is near and the sun has been out a lot more. Maybe it’s because I started listening to meditation music as I fall asleep. Maybe it’s because I’ve been making an effort to think more positively (though, that doesn’t always work for me. Sometimes those black holes just swallow me up without my consent). Who really knows why.

So now, the search is on for a good therapist who I feel comfortable with. Wish me luck.

I discovered the perfect vegan crepe recipe!

So after making about 10 different crepe recipes, I finally found the perfect one. The reason this mission was so hard for me is because I set very strict guidelines: no white flour (including your typical all-purpose flour), no eggs, no dairy, no white sugar. Here’s my holy grail recipe.

Please let me know if you have another recipe that you think might be better because I would love to try it out!

1 cup of Bob’s Red Mill Gluten-Free All-Purpose Flour

1/2 cup of soy milk

1/2 cup of water

1/4 cup of melted Earth Balance Natural Buttery Spread (I use soy-free since I get enough soy from other foods, but any kind works great)

2 Tbsp of maple syrup (optional)

1/4 Tsp sea salt

Mix all the ingredients together and voila!

I got the recipe from allrecipes.com but changed it up a bit. (no white flour, no white sugar). It says to let the batter cool in the fridge for 2 hours. I was really hungry when I woke up and didn’t want to wait even longer to eat so I skipped that step and they still turned out great. It seems as though cooling the batter would make them even tastier (not sure why, though… if anyone knows, please enlighten me!)

I’m on a mission to find the perfect crepe recipe

I’ve tried a bunch so far and they’ve been ok, but not perfect! The reason it’s hard is because I refuse to use any eggs, milk or white flour. I’m still trying to figure out if all-purpose flour is bad for you, but I’m challenging myself not to use it (it really makes finding the perfect recipe difficult!)

I’m about to try using coconut flour. I’ll report back with pictures and details :)